Exploring grief in counselling

Losing a loved one is unfortunately something most of us experience at some point in our lives, yet its impact on us is so personal. It can be easy to compare our grief to others, and believe our feelings are “wrong” or “inappropriate”, especially if we come from families who did not speak openly about emotions. It’s important to remember that whilst our relationships with loved ones we have lost are unique, so too are our experiences of grief.

Impact

Grief will impact us in different ways – it can be overwhelming, leaving us feeling hopeless with no idea how to move forward, we may not know how we’re feeling, or we could be guilty we don’t feel the loss more strongly.

It can affect our other relationships, and leave us feeling isolated. When I lost someone close to me at a young age, my friends didn’t understand or know how to act around me, because they had not been bereaved yet. Life carried on for everyone else, but I felt stuck in time and more alone than I had ever felt. Perhaps this is something you can relate to.

Shame can also be a common emotion when you’re bereaved – maybe we regret not spending more time with someone before they passed, or wish we could go back and change something we did or said. We can be consumed by these thoughts, and feel we weren’t – or aren’t – good enough. Perhaps you have felt others expect you to be “over” the loss by now, that they want you to go back to “normal”. The truth is, after processing significant grief we will eventually find a sense of normalcy again, but often the experience changes us fundamentally. It can have a lasting impact on our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, beliefs and relationships.

Stigma

Despite grief being a universal experience, there are many different attitudes towards it. Some cultures dedicate holidays to celebrate their dead, such as The Day of The Dead (Día de Muertos), which is mostly celebrated in Mexico, but attitudes elsewhere can be much more uncomfortable with the topic. The discomfort with talking openly about grief can result in silencing individuals, so they feel even more alone. In work culture, compassionate leave is not mandatory, though employees are entitled to what is decided as a reasonable amount of time to deal with emergencies concerning dependents, though this leave does not have to be paid. The leave could just be a couple days – not nearly enough time to work through the complex emotions that come with the loss before we are expected to return to our regular routines.

There’s also the issue of Disenfranchised Grief, where certain types of losses are seen as “lesser” or invalid. This can include grief related to suicide, addiction, losing a pet etc.

Normalising

Losing a loved one is a normal life experience, though how we respond to being bereaved is influenced by many factors, such as our age, history, culture, race, beliefs, the cause of death and of course our relationship to the deceased. As our experiences can be so different, it’s easy to believe what we’re feeling is wrong, because it may not align with what we’ve seen in others.

By talking openly about grief, we can remove the stigma by challenging negative beliefs – e.g. “people don’t want to hear about my loss, I should deal with it alone”. If we hear others have had similar experiences, this helps us feel more understood and less isolated, that what we’re going through is normal.

Counselling can also help to normalise our personal experience of grief.

Grief theories and how counselling can help

I have worked with clients who have been carers to a family member with terminal illnesses, whose lives revolved around looking after their loved one. Their self-care suffered because their carer role took up all their free time and balancing that with a job or other responsibilities meant sacrifices had to be made. After their loved one passed they expected to feel able to go back to their lives before the person became ill, but found they did not know where to start. A hole was left by their passing, and they didn’t know what their purpose was anymore.

Some clients find grief theories helpful in understanding their response to loss. Whilst not every theory or model will apply to everyone, recognising similarities between themselves and aspects of models can be affirming and reassuring for clients.

Growing Around Grief (Dr Lois Tonkin, 1996)

Many people believe that grief grows smaller with time, that our emotions will lessen in intensity. However, Tonkin suggests grief stays the same size over time, but our lives grow around it. We find that other parts of our lives continue to grow, such as our relationships, career or interests, so that we aren’t consumed by our grief any more. This would explain why even if much time has passed since the loss, an anniversary or other trigger can happen and we still feel overwhelmed with emotion for the loss. After the trigger passes, we may feel frail for some time, but eventually our focus goes back to other parts of our lives that continue to grow. By still having times where grief can feel overpowering, this is not a failing, it’s a natural response.

Continuing Bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman, 1996)

As above, this theory suggests grief is an ongoing process, not something you “get over” as some would believe. It is part of you and you take your relationship with the deceased with you throughout your life. Klass, Silverman and Nickman propose that making space for grief and honouring your loved one actually makes the process more positive.

In order to still feel close to the person who has died, some people may continue to talk to them, visit their favourite place, hold onto a personal item, or continue doing activities they did together. This keeps their memory alive. This won’t be helpful for everyone, some may find this too distressing, but for those who do find comfort from these rituals it can be a healthy way to process your grief. There are still people who believe that remaining attached to a loved one who has passed is unhealthy or even “crazy”, but as we’ve seen everyone’s grief is individual to them. If finding ways to continue your bond with the deceased helps you cope with the loss and move forward with the rest of your life, then that will be what is right for you. Whilst your loved one is no longer physically with you, your relationship with them continues.

In therapy, your counsellor can explore different grief models with you if you feel they would be helpful. However, counselling is collaborative and if this is not the correct approach for you there are many other ways to explore your grief and other issues together.

Through therapy, clients can explore their relationship with the deceased and the emotions they are feeling after their passing. Therapy can help to find connections between how clients are feeling or behaving, and events in their past – perhaps interactions with the deceased. These connections will foster more self-awareness, which then makes it easier for clients to find compassion for themselves and change harmful ways of thinking or behaving.

Next steps

No matter how you are grieving or the circumstances of the loss, everyone deserves support during this time. If you are going through a bereavement and want someone to speak to, counselling may be able to help you. Visit my homepage for more information on how I can help you.

Or you're welcome to get in touch with me directly.